Time to Say Goodbye. . .

(Ha such clickbait^)   

   Okay.. so I’m just going to start with the punchline for this post. Here it is: I’m coming home early (for good). Before you close out of this and go Snapchat your friend or text your mom “Did you hear Kalynn’s going home early omg” just keep reading. I know you’ll do that anyways, but just wait until I’m finished. I’m making this post because I do NOT want to be asked 50,000 times at school or wherever else you’ll see me why I decided it was best for me to come home. If I see you somewhere and you ask “I thought you were in Thailand?” or “Why’d you come home so early?” I will more than likely say, “Read my blog post”. I don’t want to explain myself over and over because it’s hard enough on me, and it’s an extremely difficult transition to have to go back to life in the states. Reverse culture shock is when you come home from exchange and have to completely readjust back to “normal” life. Some would even say reverse culture shock is more challenging and exhausting than initial culture shock wherever you exchange to. It’s a process that is difficult, physically and mentally exhausting, and really frustrating at times. Yes, there are plenty of up sides such as being reunited with the people (and pets of course) you love, but it is incredibly overwhelming to kind of just pick back up where you started. Everyone around me at home has been going on with their lives as normal while I’ve been living a completely different life for nearly four months. Four months may not sound like a lot, but it feels like an eternity honestly. Yes, there were times I thought to myself, “wow I can’t believe I’ve been here this long already.. seems like I just got here”. There were also times I couldn’t believe that it had only been a few months. I have completely adjusted my lifestyle and adapted to Thai culture, and I‘ll just be abruptly ripped away from the normalcy I had finally begun to have. I of course don’t expect people to understand how tremendously difficult this transition is, but I want people to realize it’s insanely challenging without the additional stress of people spreading rumors and talking crap. I don’t mean to be harsh ! I just want to get my point across that I really don’t need unnecessary drama with all the change that will be coming soon. I know you probably have been reading this saying to yourself “Okay Kalynn, get to the point !! Why are you leaving???”. So, I will cut the chit chat and briefly explain.

   First and foremost, I won’t be going into very much detail, as this is a very personal matter. The people who genuinely care will know the full story, and frankly, that is for the best. I know this will be shocking to most people since I only of course post about the amazing, yet fleeting moments of exchange. I understand from my Instagram posts or blog posts you may think, “Wow! It looks like Kalynn is having such an amazing time!”, as I’ve been told PLENTY of times. I get that that’s how it appears, but who posts pictures of themselves having a breakdown or bawling their eyes out? Ha exactly, not many people !! Everyone wants to look well kept and make their lives look as perfect and nice as possible on social media. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone because it’s me included. I’m just saying that generally most people’s lives on social media look fun and exciting. I’m sure 80% of the time, this isn’t actually the case in anyone’s life. Let’s just be honest with ourselves right now ha.    So, I have not been doing well mentally here. I have been dealing with these issues ever since I got here, and they haven’t let up. Some would blame it on the “exchange cycle of emotions” which would say that I’m on an “emotional low” right now because it’s the holiday season. However, this isn’t the case at all due to the fact that this hasn’t ceased since the beginning of my exchange. These problems have worsened and worsened, and I didn’t want to accept that. I’ve been very very determined to stay ever since the start, so when it just kept getting worse it was frustrating. A few weeks ago is when I began to realize that I really wasn’t okay and wouldn’t be getting better if I continued my exchange to the end. This was a tough realization. I was constantly telling myself I was going to make it and do better and spread God’s word for my entire year-long exchange, but God had other plans for me. He knew that I wasn’t doing well, and a lot of this stemmed off of the lack of Christian community here. His plan is better than mine, whether I initially see that or not. It took me weeks to see that His plan is ALWAYS better, even when I wish I could just do my own thing. It still is hard to fully put my faith in sometimes. However, I want to follow God’s will just as I followed it coming here. It was insanely hard to come to terms with, and it took a lot of prayer, seeking wisdom, scripture reading, and thinking, to finally make this decision to come home early.    The nearly four months I will be here aren’t for nothing. I never once have had the thought that this was a waste of time and money. I have personally experienced the life of being a Thai, seen so many incredible sights throughout Thailand, learned a lot about myself, made lifelong friends from all over the world, learned about such a fascinating culture and religion, and has made me realize how vital it is to rely on God. I LOVE Thailand, and it will always have a part of my heart. I know it’s cliche, but I genuinely have fallen in love with this country. I don’t blame this amazing country, Rotary, my host family, or anyone or anything at all. This is God’s will, and I know this is what’s best for me.    I’ll be leaving at the end of this month, most likely the 28th or 29th. As I said before, this is a really difficult process and will take time. I don’t want any pity. I just don’t want to be bothered by 2948582038583 people asking why I came home early. Here is your answer ! Sooo yep, thank you for readinnnng. -Kal